Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Where Are They Now

Where Are They Now?: Molly Ringwald

“You know, I wouldn’t have guessed I would be here in a million years,” Molly Ringwald says as she looks up at the Lincoln Memorial. The two-term senator from Iowa has just spent the last 45 minutes reflecting on all of the twists and turns her life has taken in the past 20 years. Once the ‘it’ girl of Hollywood, she is now the co-author of a bill that would universalize Health Care.

“I do think that my days in Hollywood really helped prepare me for life in D.C. It’s the same rough and tumble mentality here that lots of people had out there in the 80’s. And there are tons of actors here too… Charlton Heston... I see Al Franken every once in a while.”

But life hasn’t always been so glamorous for Ringwald. After the critically panned cheerleader-turned-drug-addict drama Junkie On the Pyramid was released straight to video in 1992, Ringwald knew that it was time to make a career move.

“Sure, I could have stayed in Hollywood, playing sweet girl-next-door types for years to come. But at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror, and at that point I just couldn’t do it. I just…. I couldn’t do it.”

Asked if she still keeps up with any of her old cast mates, she looks down to the Memorial steps.

“I really wish I kept up with them better. I know that Emilio is doing good, still working on the screen play for the new Mighty Ducks film. Last I heard from Judd, he was taking night classes at the community college. Anthony called the other day and was trying to get everyone together at some point to eat and hang out, but we’re all just so busy now. I would love to see the whole crew, but I know that all of us just have so much going on.”

At this she says she needs to go, so I quickly ask if she ever thinks about getting into acting again in the future.

“Oh, well, I’m not sure. Maybe if the right part came along. Maybe like a story about a business woman who can barely balance work and her son, but is swept off her feet by her son’s after school karate instructor. Something with a lot of depth and heart like that. I just refuse to be type-cast, in Hollywood, D.C., or anywhere else.”

Friday, February 22, 2008

Surprising Revelations

Surprising revelations we will learn about Indiana Jones in the coming Summer blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

-He now teaches Microeconomics on Tuesday nights at Lake City Community College

-He traded in his trademark fedora for a golf-style straw hat

-He was married for eight months before his wife filed for divorce, citing his insistence on calling her Nefertiti the Egyptian Queen

-He encrusted the holy grail with diamonds and calls it his ‘Sippin’ Cup’

-He spent three years digging for the One Ring To Rule Them All, before learning that it was probably just an allegorical device

-He’s still just a little agitated over that whole National Treasure franchise

Thursday, February 21, 2008


Quotes from Barbara Bush: A Memoir that sound humorous when taken out of context:

“And after I lost that $300 to Nancy over the George “The Animal” Steel versus Brutus Beefcake match, I vowed never to watch professional wrestling again. George laughed when I told him and said I wouldn’t make it six months. Well, I showed him by making it over two years.” (p. 164)

“Sure, we had mounted a full-fledged fight against Drug abuse at the time, but Hookah is not a drug, and I was prepared to fight to the death over it.” (p. 119)

“I had stayed up all that night trying to score tickets on the radio to the Popmart tour. And I knew the first minute I saw Bono walk out on stage it would all be worth it.” (p. 83)

“George and I just kept going back and forth, coming up with new jokes about Gorbachev’s birthmark. At one point he was laughing so hard he nearly threw up his pixie stick straws all over the bed.” (p. 72)

“And I’ll be darned if, right after I let it slip out of my mouth, I didn’t look up and see Ice Cube and Dr. Dre standing not ten feet from us.” (p. 204)

“Ted Kennedy really isn’t as big a fan of practical jokes as he lets on to be. He was mad about the ‘Chalk Burn’ incident for over three weeks.” (p. 29)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My write-in ballot for the 2008 Presidential election

I decided this year, going into the presidential election cycle, that I would first list the issues that I cared about, and then use these issues as a guiding post in choosing who I want to be the next president of the United States of America. That is why I have chosen, as my write-in candidate, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Can stabilize rocky situations:
Check – Along Came Polly

Has shown solid leadership through natural disasters:
Check – Twister

Will be judicious in the handling of criminals:
Check – Capote

Works well with famous Congressional egos:
Check – Almost Famous

Hearts Hearts Hearts

On this day, February 19, 2008, I wish to make amends with the following people:

Virginia Woolf.

You really shouldn't have committed suicide. But I know things got pretty bad in your head and all. So, I promise, I'll do my best to love you non-judgmentally and only call you The Goat as a nickname and not a snide remark.

Girl at the Burger King drive-thru window who shortchanged me $15 my Junior year of College.
I was piss poor at the time of our exchange, so of course I carried some resentment into post-grad life. But I truly hope that you kept my money in your pocket and put it to good use, like mutual funds or that J-Kwon CD that was so popular at the time.

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez and Cedric Bixler-Zavala.
I really loved At the Drive-In and i'll never quite understand what impressed your hearts to quit. But with that said, even though The Mars Volta is pretty much a salsa jam band, I'm happy that you're doing what you love. I hope you can do it for years to come. Even though it's really, really terrible.

My friend Christine.
I was only attempting to be funny when I pretended that I thought Maroon 5 was Savage Garden and commented on loving their song 'Truly, Madly, Deeply.' Even though that one Maroon 5 song does sort of sound like Savage Garden, I can see now that my comments were in no way helpful and only covered my own insecurities at having kind of liked Savage Garden in High School. From now on, I'll try to keep all unhelpful comments to myself.

The Ghost of Tom Joad.

Tom, I have to admit that I have been a little disappointed on certain occasions when there has in fact been hatred in the air and you were nowhere to be found. I can see now that you were probably just extremely busy, what with all the newborn babies crying and fights 'gainst the blood and all. I shouldn't hold a disjointed world and busy schedule against you. So all is good and all is forgiven.

Hannibal Lecter.
I hate to say this, but I've never even seen one of your movies, Hannibal. But based solely on rumors and the vicious coincidence that your name rhymes with cannibal, I really judged your character and merit as a human being. I can see now that this is wrong and I vow to you that I will not be involved in gossip against you anymore. It's hurtful, slanderous, and just downright mean. I'm truly sorry to you and all your friends and family that have been affected by this.